Monday, January 18, 2010

The Shaking

The earthquake in Port au Prince, Haiti shook all over the world. It shook everyone who is praying for and donating to Haiti. It shook me here in Colorado pretty hard. It even shook my faith. Psalm 16:8 says that, "I know the Lord is always with me. I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me." That leads me to believe that I don't quite trust in my heart that the Lord is always with me. I still have doubts in that area. A tragedy like this always makes you question yourself. I started wondering if going to Haiti in the first place was the right thing, if maybe I made the wrong choice, and this abrupt end was what I deserved for not discerning God's will. I wondered why God didn't think I was strong enough to be in Haiti during the earthquake, why He wanted me out of the way. The fault lines of my lack of trust in God's love towards me and my own expectations of how my life should look collided causing a deep shaking in my soul.

I was scheduled to fly to Port by way of Miami on Wednesday, and I got the news of the earthquake on the eve of my departure, with my bags packed and my heart ready to see my friends and 'Haiti family'. The first 24 hours were like a nightmare, sleeping and waking and praying, answering frantic and well meaning phone calls and trying not to think about the future and all that this could mean. Trying to be as polite as possible when people said, "I bet you are so glad you aren't in Haiti right now!" or even worse, people who were more worried about the hurricane warning on their vacation property in Florida.

The last few days have been rebuilding days. I feel like I must have put too much of my identity in living and working in Haiti, as if that made me some elite member of society. That is why this shook me so much, I lost a part of who I liked to label myself as. I have been dealing with all of my wrong ideas about God's heart towards me. I cannot comprehend His ways or question His methods, But I can take these broken pieces of my life and rebuild them on a firmer foundation that won't be shaken the next time the storms of my life rage.

It is always strangely refreshing to find out that you aren't as strong as you think you are. It frees you to make mistakes and wrong turns without fear that you won't find your way back to God's path for your life. I don't know what is next for me, as much as I wish life would go back to the way it was before the earthquake, I am hopeful for what God is planning for me.

The grief I feel for the people of Haiti is deeper than anything I have experienced. I can't watch the news, because of the hopelessness in the way it is being reported. I can't imagine facing this tragedy without faith that my God will work everything together for good. My prayers stay hopeful, I am comforted by the fact that God loves the people of Haiti more than I do. I am believing for miracles to be released in Haiti that haven't been seen before. I want to hear stories of limbs growing back and gas tanks that don't run out and even people being raised from the dead. I am praying for the orphans of Haiti to experience the love of their heavenly Father, and to live to bring glory to His name. I am praying that the government is rebuilt with more stability than ever before. I am so glad that I have a big God who takes big requests like these!

I am so proud of the missionaries in Haiti! The stories I have heard are unreal. I know how difficult and stressful life can be in Haiti on the best of days, and I can't imagine how draining it would be right now. I am praying for peace and strength and favor for everyone I know. I am praying that people would see how unselfish and peaceful all of the Christians in Haiti are and they would want that for themselves.

I will close with a quote I loved from a friend's facebook status, "I don't know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future."